Beauty and the Beast?

I am a lady.

I say this first, because my behavior does not have to do with faith or religion. Although some might think so. In the bedroom, between two married people, there is no discussion that is off-limits. No action that is taboo - assuming no one gets hurt, and everyone is having a good time. I almost consider myself a bit of a nymph. But this is in private.

I think much of the problem that I am having, is that what Steve finds appropriate behavior in mixed company, and what I consider appropriate, are two VERY different things. While it is not my place to judge, this disappoints me. I hold him in such high regard, admire so many things about him, that I am heart-broken about this discovery.

Last Day

panic mode...

I don't understand how I was fine all week, ok, so not on the first day he was gone, but most of the week, I maintained a very high level of happiness. I felt really good about how well I did, and now that he is on his way home...

panic mode...

I am falling apart at the seams, crying, aching, trying to keep busy, but not wanting to do anything. Suicidal? NEVER! But this is probably the closest thing that I have felt. I hate it. I want to run away and hide. I don't understand why I am feeling this way. I am tempted to take a double dose of something and go to bed, but I am assuming that he will call, and his voice will make everything better. I can only hope...

time....

There are just not enough hours in a day. I always have big plans, and then, somewhere I just seem to run out of steam. It's almost 11, and I should be doing dishes, or planning something, or something, but I'm just too tired.

Yesterday, between meetings, the gym, getting everyone to scouts, and hassling them about homework.... I didn't even get to my blog. At least, I am getting to the gym... 3 days so far this week.

Hunter is doing better at completing classwork for me. Yesterday he was incredibly irresponsible about homework, though. I guess you can't have it all. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a see-saw with all of them. Devin is working harder at school and homework, but his room is a disaster. Jeremy is the only one on an even keel most of the time. Odd that he is the one I worry the most about. Perhaps I shouldn't.

I'm fading again... but I am going to dream of the future, and my own prince charming.

January 18, 2011 - Day Three

Today was a Tuesday, but it was a Monday, since yesterday was a holiday. Those kinds of days are always a bit off. I did a pretty good job of staying in happy mode. I stayed focused, and only daydreamed a little. I missed Steve mostly in the morning, when I first woke up. I always think he should be there, next to me, snoring. But we'll have to wait a year or so for that... long term planning...

The morning flew swiftly by, and the afternoon likewise. Then I was checking on the weather in Jamaica after school, and realized I wasn't being productive again. (possible thunderstorms, but 76 degrees - not too bad). Another thing I realized is that I wasn't jealous this time. I didn't mind that I was working while he was on vacation. Really! There were things that were much more important now. What mattered was his happiness. I honestly am praying for him to have good weather, a lot of laughs, and just a wonderful time. Of course I wish I were there, but not because of the cruise, just because of being with him. I am a little taken aback at this realization. (not jealous... weird for me... probably because I'm so competitive) I wonder if ... I'm pretty sure I haven't... ever been so unselfish, benevolent, concerned for someone else's happiness and welfare... must be love.

I am overwhelmed at the divine character traits that he inspires in me.

So, I received his cards today. He mailed 5 (he said) for me to open one a day. I only got four in the mail. I opened the one addressed "open Monday". It had $2 inside, with instructions to purchase a Super Lotto, and Mega Millions Lottery ticket. I was too late for the Mega drawing, but bought a Super Lotto, and will get a Mega when they are on sale again for Friday's draw. The other instruction inside was to play "Walking on Sunshine" and dance around the kitchen. I put the kids to bed, and turned on the ipod. I started dancing, and Hunter got up out of his bed. I was furious that he had ruined my moment, and chastised him for being out of bed. After a few minutes of reflection, I got both him and Jeremy out of bed, turned the song back on, and tried to get them to dance with me. Jeremy was willing, but Hunter I had to force. I think they both had fun, though. I have to remember to include them in my joy and silly dances - even when they don't really understand it.

Monday, January 17, 2011 = Day Two

What a great day! OK Mostly great...

Last night I visited with my friend, Sarah, for almost 4 hours. She has a lovely home that she has rennovated and elegantly decorated mostly by herself. She is a bundle of energy, a dedicated teacher, mother, and friend. She is a Christian in the true sense of the word. I value her friendship, although I don't talk with her often. She used to teach at the same school as I. I miss her enthusiasm.

This morning I got up early. Kate likes to get an early start when we're kayaking. She says the dolphins are out early and we'll miss them. Plus we want to get on the water before the wind kicks up. We checked the forecasts one more time before we left and found that Santa Barbara was expecting 10-15 mph winds. Morro Bay's winds were only supposed to be 6 or 7 mph. So we opted to head north. By the time we got on the water, the winds were already past their expected speed. Add to that a pretty strong current in the bay, and it was an awesome workout, just to keep from being swept out the mouth of the bay into the open ocean. The weather was almost too perfect for a Monday in January, it was over 80 in Lompoc today. We basked on the dock after our workout. Then we decided that we had worked hard enough to get lunch. We went to the Harbor Hut in Morro Bay. I had mesquite smoked salmon, with rice, and a green salad. It was delicious.

When we got back to town I called my friend, Kathy, who had my boys. She said she wasn't in any hurry to get rid of them. (I think they help her by keeping her boy, Phoenix, entertained.) So, I cleaned out another drawer in my room, folded some laundry, and tidied up a bit here and there. I also planned out dinner and made a shopping list. I had invited Grandpa Dave (Trent's paternal grandfather) to dine with us. We expected him about 7pm. So I had to get a little prepared before I went to spin class. I ran into Kathy in the grocery store and took the boys with me when I left. Then we all went to the YMCA. Spin was great too. I knew I really needed the extra workouts. Sometimes when I get a little blue, I hit the chocolate. I wanted to burn a few extra calories just incase.

So I made a lemon sauce with pasta, chicken and broccoli. I thought it turned out pretty good, but the little boys said it was too lemony (hm, isn't it supposed to be?) And Grandpa Dave was a no show. Oh well.... I was just trying to be nice since he fixed my thermostat for me in early December.

Then when "Who Are You" by The Who came on the ipod Devin was running around singing it, and Hunter was singing it in the bath. Funny how music can affect our moods. Some songs just make me happy, and others put me in a sad state. Earlier today I thought I was going to have to leave the ipod alone this week, but I think I just have to be selective.

I have run through the whole gammit of feelings today. I know that I am missing Steve so badly that it hurts. But I hope and pray that I will always feel this way when we are away from each other. As long as I feel the pain, I know that I will also be feeling an incredible amount of happiness and love when he is near. I cannot wait to hear his voice next week.... and see him next month. Somehow I know that this longing is good for our relationship. I hope that he feels at least a little of what I am experiencing. I love him so!

January 16, 2011 Day One

So I have decided to try the blog thing again. Tonight my sweetheart is somewhere in the middle of the ocean. I am left here to fend for myself, without the comfort of his voice, without his patient guidance, and quiet reassurance, without the confidence that he gives me. So, I will keep busy with friends and work.

The odd thing is that we are already not seeing each other much. We are in a long distance relationship. So why am I so affected by this separation? Since the first part of August, around 5 months, we have spoken on the phone every night except one.

We talked this afternoon, until his ship was pulling out of port. When we said good-bye, I thought I was going to be fine. I looked at this as an opportunity to catch up on a lot of things. I went about doing my chores, put some scented wax on the warmer, and turned on the ipod. Then one of those songs, on the sleepy time list, "The Way You Look Tonight" hit me, and hit me hard. I was sobbing before I knew it, and missing him, and aching all over, having one of my little panic attacks.

After pacing through the house for awhile, I made a funny discovery... the time. It was only about six o'clock. The reason that was so funny, was that we usually didn't talk on the phone until at least 9 o'clock in the evening. Why was I having such a hard time, missing him so much, when I usually would have to wait for hours before I talked to him? I pulled myself together, and carried on.