Sometimes I stay away from this thing for a very long time...
and then here I am again. I am very tired tonight. Maybe that is why I am so emotional. I can't seem to keep an even keel today. I was happy part way through the movie (Once Around), then got sad at the end. Since I have been wrestling with a fear of an uncertain financial future. I want to throw caution to the wind, quit my job, sell my house, and move in with my sweetie. I miss him.The other part of me knows I should stick with my plan... finish my master's degree, get an administrative services credential, and land a job as an administrator for at least a year before my 55th birthday. Then, I could retire fairly comfortably, not having to rely on anyone else. I really have no choice. I need to be responsible for myself. It is just so frustrating. Life is so unfair.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Monterey...
One of the most perfect weekends...
Steve and I decided to meet in Monterey. We both left our houses about the same time, and had about the same distance to travel (about 3-1/2 hours). Our ETA was a few minutes after 1:00pm. He forgot to tell me he was stopping for lunch, so when I arrived and he said he was still 40 minutes away, I decided to go down town and grap a bite myself. I found the cutest little cafe, sat on a sidewalk table, and had a great cup of clam chowder and a big green salad. The weather was about as good as you can get in the winter - clear blue skies, wispy clouds, no wind, and a respectable 65 degrees, or thereabouts. Just as I was finishing my salad, Steve texted that he had arrived, and I headed back toward the hotel.
I found his truck after driving around the building, and parked near it. I was fumbling around trying to organize myself when he tapped on the window. I jumped a little, and couldn't help but smile. His eyes were smiling too, and his lips, plump, pink, juicy lips, that I couldn't wait to kiss. I dropped everything, and reached for the door handle. I'm not sure who it was that opened that door, but I quickly stood within inches of him. We approached each other's lips slowly, carefully, tasting a little, pulling back, heightening the tension, until we were entwined with arms, lips, legs, and body. I still feeling that same feeling... wanting to melt into him, to become part of him.
When we finally released our embrace. We exchanged pleasantrises about the drive, the hotel, and the immediate possibilities for activities (as our room was not yet ready). We decided to go for a walk.
Adjacent to the hotel was what looked like a small pond and park. So we decided to go for a walk. I grabbed my jacket. He grabbed my hand. And off we went. There was a wide dirt path that circumvented the pond, and we laughed and talked about the ducks and geese that were swimming happily in the sunshine. There were other smaller birds dodging in and out of the tall reeds growing along the edge of the pond. And a little further down the path, I realized that the pond was much larger than I had thought, and the path meandered away to a grassy area and playground. We followed it to its end, then back and around the other side of the pond. All the while holding hands and chatting about movies, and politics, and children, and the moon. There were no topics off limits, and rarely a lull in the conversation.
By the time we returned to the hotel, our room was ready. The desk clerk gave Steve directions, and we followed the map, moved the vehicles around, found the luggage carts, and took our load up to the second floor in the elevator, where Steve unloaded our things and persuaded me to ride the luggage cart back down.
Steve and I decided to meet in Monterey. We both left our houses about the same time, and had about the same distance to travel (about 3-1/2 hours). Our ETA was a few minutes after 1:00pm. He forgot to tell me he was stopping for lunch, so when I arrived and he said he was still 40 minutes away, I decided to go down town and grap a bite myself. I found the cutest little cafe, sat on a sidewalk table, and had a great cup of clam chowder and a big green salad. The weather was about as good as you can get in the winter - clear blue skies, wispy clouds, no wind, and a respectable 65 degrees, or thereabouts. Just as I was finishing my salad, Steve texted that he had arrived, and I headed back toward the hotel.
I found his truck after driving around the building, and parked near it. I was fumbling around trying to organize myself when he tapped on the window. I jumped a little, and couldn't help but smile. His eyes were smiling too, and his lips, plump, pink, juicy lips, that I couldn't wait to kiss. I dropped everything, and reached for the door handle. I'm not sure who it was that opened that door, but I quickly stood within inches of him. We approached each other's lips slowly, carefully, tasting a little, pulling back, heightening the tension, until we were entwined with arms, lips, legs, and body. I still feeling that same feeling... wanting to melt into him, to become part of him.
When we finally released our embrace. We exchanged pleasantrises about the drive, the hotel, and the immediate possibilities for activities (as our room was not yet ready). We decided to go for a walk.
Adjacent to the hotel was what looked like a small pond and park. So we decided to go for a walk. I grabbed my jacket. He grabbed my hand. And off we went. There was a wide dirt path that circumvented the pond, and we laughed and talked about the ducks and geese that were swimming happily in the sunshine. There were other smaller birds dodging in and out of the tall reeds growing along the edge of the pond. And a little further down the path, I realized that the pond was much larger than I had thought, and the path meandered away to a grassy area and playground. We followed it to its end, then back and around the other side of the pond. All the while holding hands and chatting about movies, and politics, and children, and the moon. There were no topics off limits, and rarely a lull in the conversation.
By the time we returned to the hotel, our room was ready. The desk clerk gave Steve directions, and we followed the map, moved the vehicles around, found the luggage carts, and took our load up to the second floor in the elevator, where Steve unloaded our things and persuaded me to ride the luggage cart back down.
Monday, February 7, 2011
memory loss or high maintenance?
Am I really that high maintenance? I got upset yesterday because I didn't get any texts for about 8 hours. To be fair, during that time, I sent a complimentary text, AND an" I'm aching for you" text, and got no response. And 8 hours? What was he thinking? Doesn't he know me better than that yet? I need more attention than that. It is only excusable when he is busy at work, or in the middle of the ocean. Otherwise...
I'm pretty sure I let him know that I am not high maintenance when it comes to material things, but I need a lot of attention.
Then when I finally talk to him, he reminds me about the card I sent last week. I KNOW that he loves me. He has shown me that over and over with his actions. A day without a word should not change that knowledge. I seem to forget from one week to the next if I don't see him. And I am mad at myself for being so short-sighted and needy.
I miss him so....
I'm pretty sure I let him know that I am not high maintenance when it comes to material things, but I need a lot of attention.
Then when I finally talk to him, he reminds me about the card I sent last week. I KNOW that he loves me. He has shown me that over and over with his actions. A day without a word should not change that knowledge. I seem to forget from one week to the next if I don't see him. And I am mad at myself for being so short-sighted and needy.
I miss him so....
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Beauty and the Beast?
I am a lady.
I say this first, because my behavior does not have to do with faith or religion. Although some might think so. In the bedroom, between two married people, there is no discussion that is off-limits. No action that is taboo - assuming no one gets hurt, and everyone is having a good time. I almost consider myself a bit of a nymph. But this is in private.
I think much of the problem that I am having, is that what Steve finds appropriate behavior in mixed company, and what I consider appropriate, are two VERY different things. While it is not my place to judge, this disappoints me. I hold him in such high regard, admire so many things about him, that I am heart-broken about this discovery.
I say this first, because my behavior does not have to do with faith or religion. Although some might think so. In the bedroom, between two married people, there is no discussion that is off-limits. No action that is taboo - assuming no one gets hurt, and everyone is having a good time. I almost consider myself a bit of a nymph. But this is in private.
I think much of the problem that I am having, is that what Steve finds appropriate behavior in mixed company, and what I consider appropriate, are two VERY different things. While it is not my place to judge, this disappoints me. I hold him in such high regard, admire so many things about him, that I am heart-broken about this discovery.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Last Day
panic mode...
I don't understand how I was fine all week, ok, so not on the first day he was gone, but most of the week, I maintained a very high level of happiness. I felt really good about how well I did, and now that he is on his way home...
panic mode...
I am falling apart at the seams, crying, aching, trying to keep busy, but not wanting to do anything. Suicidal? NEVER! But this is probably the closest thing that I have felt. I hate it. I want to run away and hide. I don't understand why I am feeling this way. I am tempted to take a double dose of something and go to bed, but I am assuming that he will call, and his voice will make everything better. I can only hope...
I don't understand how I was fine all week, ok, so not on the first day he was gone, but most of the week, I maintained a very high level of happiness. I felt really good about how well I did, and now that he is on his way home...
panic mode...
I am falling apart at the seams, crying, aching, trying to keep busy, but not wanting to do anything. Suicidal? NEVER! But this is probably the closest thing that I have felt. I hate it. I want to run away and hide. I don't understand why I am feeling this way. I am tempted to take a double dose of something and go to bed, but I am assuming that he will call, and his voice will make everything better. I can only hope...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
time....
There are just not enough hours in a day. I always have big plans, and then, somewhere I just seem to run out of steam. It's almost 11, and I should be doing dishes, or planning something, or something, but I'm just too tired.
Yesterday, between meetings, the gym, getting everyone to scouts, and hassling them about homework.... I didn't even get to my blog. At least, I am getting to the gym... 3 days so far this week.
Hunter is doing better at completing classwork for me. Yesterday he was incredibly irresponsible about homework, though. I guess you can't have it all. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a see-saw with all of them. Devin is working harder at school and homework, but his room is a disaster. Jeremy is the only one on an even keel most of the time. Odd that he is the one I worry the most about. Perhaps I shouldn't.
I'm fading again... but I am going to dream of the future, and my own prince charming.
Yesterday, between meetings, the gym, getting everyone to scouts, and hassling them about homework.... I didn't even get to my blog. At least, I am getting to the gym... 3 days so far this week.
Hunter is doing better at completing classwork for me. Yesterday he was incredibly irresponsible about homework, though. I guess you can't have it all. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a see-saw with all of them. Devin is working harder at school and homework, but his room is a disaster. Jeremy is the only one on an even keel most of the time. Odd that he is the one I worry the most about. Perhaps I shouldn't.
I'm fading again... but I am going to dream of the future, and my own prince charming.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
January 18, 2011 - Day Three
Today was a Tuesday, but it was a Monday, since yesterday was a holiday. Those kinds of days are always a bit off. I did a pretty good job of staying in happy mode. I stayed focused, and only daydreamed a little. I missed Steve mostly in the morning, when I first woke up. I always think he should be there, next to me, snoring. But we'll have to wait a year or so for that... long term planning...
The morning flew swiftly by, and the afternoon likewise. Then I was checking on the weather in Jamaica after school, and realized I wasn't being productive again. (possible thunderstorms, but 76 degrees - not too bad). Another thing I realized is that I wasn't jealous this time. I didn't mind that I was working while he was on vacation. Really! There were things that were much more important now. What mattered was his happiness. I honestly am praying for him to have good weather, a lot of laughs, and just a wonderful time. Of course I wish I were there, but not because of the cruise, just because of being with him. I am a little taken aback at this realization. (not jealous... weird for me... probably because I'm so competitive) I wonder if ... I'm pretty sure I haven't... ever been so unselfish, benevolent, concerned for someone else's happiness and welfare... must be love.
I am overwhelmed at the divine character traits that he inspires in me.
So, I received his cards today. He mailed 5 (he said) for me to open one a day. I only got four in the mail. I opened the one addressed "open Monday". It had $2 inside, with instructions to purchase a Super Lotto, and Mega Millions Lottery ticket. I was too late for the Mega drawing, but bought a Super Lotto, and will get a Mega when they are on sale again for Friday's draw. The other instruction inside was to play "Walking on Sunshine" and dance around the kitchen. I put the kids to bed, and turned on the ipod. I started dancing, and Hunter got up out of his bed. I was furious that he had ruined my moment, and chastised him for being out of bed. After a few minutes of reflection, I got both him and Jeremy out of bed, turned the song back on, and tried to get them to dance with me. Jeremy was willing, but Hunter I had to force. I think they both had fun, though. I have to remember to include them in my joy and silly dances - even when they don't really understand it.
The morning flew swiftly by, and the afternoon likewise. Then I was checking on the weather in Jamaica after school, and realized I wasn't being productive again. (possible thunderstorms, but 76 degrees - not too bad). Another thing I realized is that I wasn't jealous this time. I didn't mind that I was working while he was on vacation. Really! There were things that were much more important now. What mattered was his happiness. I honestly am praying for him to have good weather, a lot of laughs, and just a wonderful time. Of course I wish I were there, but not because of the cruise, just because of being with him. I am a little taken aback at this realization. (not jealous... weird for me... probably because I'm so competitive) I wonder if ... I'm pretty sure I haven't... ever been so unselfish, benevolent, concerned for someone else's happiness and welfare... must be love.
I am overwhelmed at the divine character traits that he inspires in me.
So, I received his cards today. He mailed 5 (he said) for me to open one a day. I only got four in the mail. I opened the one addressed "open Monday". It had $2 inside, with instructions to purchase a Super Lotto, and Mega Millions Lottery ticket. I was too late for the Mega drawing, but bought a Super Lotto, and will get a Mega when they are on sale again for Friday's draw. The other instruction inside was to play "Walking on Sunshine" and dance around the kitchen. I put the kids to bed, and turned on the ipod. I started dancing, and Hunter got up out of his bed. I was furious that he had ruined my moment, and chastised him for being out of bed. After a few minutes of reflection, I got both him and Jeremy out of bed, turned the song back on, and tried to get them to dance with me. Jeremy was willing, but Hunter I had to force. I think they both had fun, though. I have to remember to include them in my joy and silly dances - even when they don't really understand it.
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